Detached Parent Syndrome

We were perfectly happy with Ella who we adopted in 2006 at the age of 10 months. Ella, who will be 4 in a few months is the light of our lives, especially mine! She is everything I imagined in a little girl. She loves playing dress up and loves to shop. She loves letting me do her hair and big bows and helping me pick out her clothes. She talks more intelligently than most adults and her vocabulary is more advanced than most 10 year olds.

Even though we were most content with having one child considering Ella was the perfect child for us, we, OK I decided that I didn't want her to be an only child and that I wanted another little girl. I convinced my husband that we should reapply and wait the 3-4 years for another girl. However, once we applied and began the paperchasing, I decided (for us) that with so many children on the waiting child list that we should fill one out and stay on the non-special needs list too. My husband went along without question or reservation.

While we were working on our paperwork for our dossier, I noticed a little boy on the WC list that I talked to my husband about and he said it was OK to ask about his file. Even though we were really only wanting another girl, we didn't think a little boy would be the end of the world. I emailed CCAI that night and got a call back that another family had already accepted his file so I said thank you and forgot about it. We continued working on the dossier while I continued checking out websites including CCAI for kids on the special needs list. About two months went by and I got a phone call from the WC Dept. that the little boy we had inquired about was available again since the family changed their mind at the last minute. I was ecstatic and elated saying yes to her emailing his file to us. By the time I got home, the email was waiting for me. I just couldn't believe that this could possibly be our 2nd child, even though it was a boy and we wanted another girl. I called our pediatrician to find out about the extent of his special needs and got a pretty positive go ahead. Considering I am a special education teacher and have degrees in Cognitive Impairment and Learning Disabilities I didn't think developmental delays and a premature birth would be too hard to handle.

We accepted the referral for Aiden the very next day and by the end of that week, we were officially matched with him through the eyes of CCAI and CCAA. About a month after we were matched we began Skyping with Aiden via his foster family/foster group where he was staying. We thought it was the greatest thing because we were able to see and interact with our son so far away. We didn't have anything like this with Ella and would have loved to have even more pictures. Now, I know in my heart that Skyping with Aiden was the WORST decision. At least as much as we did........ once or twice a week for about 6 months.

Towards the end of the wait when we were just waiting for TA and CA, I began to feel like I was just watching and interacting with someone else's child and even told my husband that it didn't feel like we were talking and seeing our own child. Something then was amiss and I just didn't know it.

Once we got our TA, I didn't feel excited like I had for Ella's adoption. We already knew this child, we knew what he liked to eat and didn't, we knew what made him upset and happy, how little he talked, how little he was, and how behind developmentally he was as well. Every time we talked to Aiden on Skype, he only recognized Randy (Baba) .......... NEVER me. That always made me feel uneasy and it hurt.

Gotcha Day was nothing like the Gotcha Day with Ella. She was a baby and I could cuddle her and love on her. Aiden came to us crying and dirty. He was totally detached emotionally even from my husband and Ella whom he had adored for months. He cried a lot but that was expected since he was older.

I was not emotionally attached from day one. Aiden wanted nothing to do with me and the feeling was pretty much mutual. I didn't want to hold him, didn't feel the pull to nurture him when he cried. The first night, as I held him for two hours crying trying to put him to sleep, I cried telling my husband that we had made a mistake. The second night I told Randy that this what not the child that we'd waited for and that maybe we should not go through with it. My husband couldn't understand but he tried. He was smitten, he had a son and he was happy.

By the time we got home, I was completely detached. I even spoke about my feelings to another mom I had become close to. She said to just give it time and I knew she was right but my feelings were there and I couldn't ignore them. I continued to act normal in public and around people but once we got home it just got worse. I'm a teacher and I have the summer off so when we got home I had two more months before I had to go back to work. I was with both kids 24/7 seven days a week while my husband worked and I was stir crazy. Aiden screamed every time we were in the car and whined ALL the time. It was more work to take him out than it was worth so we stayed home and hung out in the pool.

Now, 6 weeks later, I still find myself wishing that Aiden would just go back where he came from. I feel that we have made a huge mistake adopting this little boy. I am not at the point yet where I can say, "I love you" and I am so tired of feeling this way. I am so tired of the whining and screaming. I fight everyday to care for him, feed him, bathe him, change his diaper, etc. This is not what I wanted in a second child. I thought I could handle a child with cognitive impairment but that was till we brought him home. I wasn't prepared to meet all of his needs, I expected to enjoy his homecoming the same way I did Ella's but I was overshadowed by a little boy who cannot communicate, extremely stubborn, and has needs that I am not willing to take care of at this point.

I have since read about other moms going through being detached from their children, both biological and adopted. Even though it helps to know that I am not alone and that there is hope, I still feel like jumping off a tall bridge somedays. It helps to know that in time, it will get better and I will grow to love this little boy just like I love and adore Ella. My biggest fear is that it will be too late and he won't want anything to do with me when I finally realize my love and adoration for this amazingly cute little boy that happens to be my son!

I am so sorry Aiden and I hope one day you will forgive me and realize that it is all mommy's fault and nothing you have done or ever did and that I do LOVE YOU and am so happy you are my little boy even though mommy doesn't know it yet!